(Billy) LOOK AT THIS ONE.
"EDWARD RUTLEDGE OF SPRING VALLEY, NEW YORK,
WALKED BACKWARDS FROM BROOKLYN TO SAN FRANCISCO."
BILLY, TURN TO THE GUY WITH THE LONGEST FINGERNAILS.
WHAT PAGE?
GIVE ME THAT.
HERE IT COMES.
OH! THERE IT IS!
OH! GROSS! GROSS! LOOK AT THAT!
GET IT AWAY FROM ME! GET IT AWAY FROM ME! I'M GONNA THROW UP.
YOU THINK THAT'S DISGUSTING. LISTEN TO THIS.
"CHESTER WALCOTT, THE HUMAN PRETZEL,
"WAS ABLE TO WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND HIS LEGS
AND HIS LEGS AROUND HIS HEAD."
THAT'S SIMPLE, I CAN DO THAT. I'M DOUBLE JOINTED.
WATCH.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS, MAN. ME, NEITHER.
HEY, GUYS. (Billy) IT'S GROSS!
(Chris) HEY, GUYS. IT'S EASY. WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
HEY, HEY. WHERE YOU GOIN'?
[thuds]
(Chris) HEY, COME BACK HERE.
OH.
[groaning]
OK, I THINK I JUST PULLED SOMETHING.
THERE GOES THE OLD BACK.
AND THERE GOES THE OLD GROIN.
[grunts]
AH, I'M GETTIN' TOO OLD FOR THIS KINDA CRAP.
¶[Stand by R. E. M. playing]
[bicycle bell ringing]
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ NOW FACE NORTH
¶ THINK ABOUT DIRECTION
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK ¶
¶ NOW FACE WEST
¶ THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ NOW FACE NORTH
¶ THINK ABOUT DIRECTION
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ NOW STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORK ¶
¶ NOW FACE WEST
¶ THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE ¶
¶ WONDER WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEFORE ¶
¶ STAND IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE ¶
¶ SO STAND
[birds chirping]
[glass shattering]
(Chris) DAMMIT!
COMING SOON A BRAND NEW PARKING LOT?
THEY'RE GONNA TEAR DOWN MY CHILDHOOD PLAYGROUND.
NO.
NO!
WHAT KIND OF STINKING, NIHILISTIC WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN?
[wind howling]
[kids laughing]
(child) CHRIS, STOP IT! DON'T SHOVE!
(Chris) HEY, I'M NEXT!
STOP! STOP!
[thuds]
OH!
OW! I THINK I BROKE MY LEG.
OH.
[chains rattling]
(Chris) OH, LOOK AT THAT CUTE LITTLE SQUIRREL.
HEY, IT HAS SHAVING CREAM ALL OVER IT'S MOUTH.
(Gladys) CHRIS, GET AWAY FROM THAT. IT HAS RABIES!
OW!
[sirens wailing]
NO! NOT ANOTHER GIANT NEEDLE IN THE STOMACH!
OW!
OH, MAN.
NO.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS TO ME.
THIS IS MY PLAYGROUND, DAMMIT!
THIS IS PART OF MY HISTORY.
PART OF ALL OF GREENVILLE'S HISTORY.
MY VERY PERSONALITY,
HEART AND SOUL HAD ITS GENESIS
RIGHT HERE IN THIS PLAYGROUND.
THIS IS WHERE I LEARNED ABOUT TOLERANCE,
AND ABOUT SHARING,
AND HOW TO CRUELLY TEASE MY PEERS.
I WAS SPAWNED FROM THIS GOLDEN SOIL...
[groans]
WHICH NOW HAS GLASS IN IT.
AND
WHAT ABOUT BILLY, AND EDDIE,
AND DANNY.
HELP US, CHRIS! HELP US!
PROTECT OUR FUTURE!
PLEASE, PLEASE!
DON'T LET THEM DEPRIVE US
OF THE KIND OF WONDERFUL MEMORIES YOU HAD!
SAVE OUR PLAYGROUND!
PLEASE, PLEASE!
(boys) HELP US, CHRIS! HELP US!
I WILL, BOYS. I WILL.
(boys) HELP US!
I WILL!
(boys) HELP US!
I WILL!
(boys) HELP US!
I SAID I WILL! STOP NAGGING!
I VOW
THAT AS LONG AS I BREATHE
THE FILTHY STAGNANT AIR ON THIS PLANET,
NOTHING SHALL COME BETWEEN ME AND MY CHILDHOOD PLAYGROUND.
[thunder rumbling]
[screaming]
SO THEN THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
SENT ME TO THE GREENVILLE LANDMARK SOCIETY
AND THEN FROM THERE I HAD TO GO TO THE TOWN PLANNING COMMITTEE
AND THEN AFTER THAT TO THE PARKS AND RECREATION DEPARTMENT
AND FROM THERE TO THE PET STORE.
WHY'D YOU GO THERE?
I WANTED TO LOOK AT THE LITTLE DOGGIES.
AND THEN, FINALLY, THE CITY COUNCIL TOLD ME
THERE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH MONEY IN THE BUDGET TO MAINTAIN THE PLAYGROUND.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? IT COSTS A LOUSY $300 A MONTH,
BY MY CALCULATIONS ABOUT A GRAND A YEAR.
ACTUALLY, $3,600 A YEAR.
YEAH, EXACTLY. AND THEY CAN'T FIND THE MONEY IN THE BUDGET TO MAINTAIN IT.
WELL, CHRIS, LET ME TELL YOU, IN MY DAY,
IF WE SAW SOMETHING WE DIDN'T LIKE,
WE'D RALLY TOGETHER AGAINST THE ESTABLISHMENT.
WE'D DEMONSTRATE AGAINST THE FUZZ AND BURN OUR DRAFT CARDS.
DAD, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TURBULENT 6O's.
YOU GREW UP DURING THE DEPRESSION.
GLADYS, ONE OF THESE DAYS WE GOT TO PUT OUR TIME-LIFE
"MARCH THROUGH THE DECADES" COLLECTION IN THE PROPER ORDER.
WILL YOU MAKE A NOTE OF THAT?
I JUST THINK IT'S TERRIBLE THEY'RE TEARING DOWN THAT OLD PLAYGROUND.
GRANTED, FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS
IT'S BEEN NOTHING BUT A RAT-INFESTED HAVEN FOR DRUNKEN TEENAGERS
AND A STOMPING GROUND FOR DANGEROUS DRIFTERS,
BUT EVERY QUAINT SMALL TOWN NEEDS A PLACE LIKE THAT.
EXACTLY, MOM.
AND THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA RAISE THE MONEY TO SAVE THE PLAYGROUND.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS REAL NOBLE, SON
WELL, THANKS, DAD. HOW ABOUT SLIPPING ME A COUPLE OF BUCKS
AS A DONATION TOWARDS SAVING THAT PLAYGROUND.
[laughs] NO.
WE'RE ELDERLY PEOPLE, CHRIS. WE'RE ON A FIXED INCOME.
WE DON'T HAVE EXTRA MONEY AROUND TO SQUANDER ON FRIVOLITIES.
(Gladys) OH, BY THE WAY, DEAR,
IF YOU'RE GOING BY THE CIVIC CENTER,
WOULD YOU PICK UP OUR TICKETS
TO THE JACK JONES CONCERT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?
OH, GREAT, MA. I GUESS THAT'S NOT A FRIVOLITY, HUH?
ARE YOU NUTS, BOY?
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT JACK FREAKIN' JONES.
OK. I'LL PICK UP THE TICKETS.
AND NOW,
IT'S OFF TO SAVE THE PLAYGROUND.
(boys) HELP US, CHRIS! HELP US!
I WILL!
STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!
¶[Money playing]
¶ THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE ¶
¶ BUT YOU CAN KEEP 'EM FOR THE BIRDS AND BEES ¶
¶ I WANT MONEY
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ YOUR LOVIN' GIVES ME A THRILL ¶
¶ BUT YOUR LOVIN' WON'T PAY MY BILLS ¶
¶ I NEED MONEY
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ MONEY DON'T GET EVERYTHING IT'S TRUE ¶
¶ WHAT IT DON'T GET, I CAN'T USE ¶
¶ I WANT MONEY
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ IT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ LOOK OUT
¶ I WANT MONEY
¶ THAT'S WHAT I WANT
¶ LOTS OF MONEY
LARRY!
IT'S HORRIBLE. IT'S AWFUL.
THEY'RE TEARING DOWN OUR CHILDHOOD PLAYGROUND.
OH, I'M SORRY. AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING HERE?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES.
OH, THAT'S OK. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER, LARRY.
LARRY, DO YOU BELIEVE IT? THE PLAYGROUND.
AND NO ONE IN THIS TOWN CARES.
YOU MEAN THE PLACE WHERE WE BECAME BLOOD BROTHERS?
LARRY, I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING TO GET THE TOWN TO SAVE THIS PARK.
NO ONE'S INTERESTED.
THEY'RE ALL CAUGHT UP IN THEIR OWN LITTLE PERSONAL PROBLEMS.
ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS BUYING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES.
CLOTHING, FOOD, MEDICINE.
I'M TELLING YOU IT'S THE "ME" DECADE.
CHRIS, PEOPLE ARE JUST BASICALLY APATHETIC.
YOU NEED SOMETHING TO GET THEIR ATTENTION. YOU NEED A GIMMICK.
YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU DRINK A BOTTLE OF CLOROX,
OR DRIVE YOUR CAR OFF A CLIFF.
I'D PAY TO SEE THAT.
WHAT IF I BROKE SOME WORLD'S RECORD?
LARRY, THIS, IT'S PERFECT.
THIS GUY BROKE THE WORLD'S RECORD
FOR HAVING STUFF STACKED ON TOP OF HIM.
2000 POUNDS. THAT'S A CINCH. I CAN BREAK THAT.
BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY USED TO A LOT OF WEIGHT ON ME.
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP AT NIGHT I USE AN EXTRA BLANKET.
IT'S PERFECT.
WE'LL CHARGE PEOPLE TO PUT STUFF ON TOP OF YOU.
THEY'LL COME FROM MILES AROUND TO LAY SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY ON YOUR STOMACH.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, PAL,
YOU MIGHT JUST SAVE THIS PARK AFTER ALL.
AND WHO KNOWS, THEY MIGHT EVEN ERECT A STATUE IN YOUR HONOR.
(children) THANK YOU, CHRIS. THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU'RE IN PERFECT HEALTH
FOR A GUY WHO'S PROBABLY GONNA DIE THIS AFTERNOON.
MY BLOOD PRESSURE'S OK AND EVERYTHING?
I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK TO CHECK THAT.
ARE YOU READY, BUDDY? YEAH.
OK. LET'S GET STARTED SO WE CAN BUILD A CROWD HERE. ASSUME THE POSITION.
DOC, DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HAND OVER HERE? MMM-HMM.
OK. BRING IT ON.
OK.
HERE WE GO.
AH.
AND NOW, AS YOUR BEST FRIEND,
I'D LIKE TO BE THE FIRST TO PLACE AN ITEM ON TOP OF YOU.
HERE'S MY MONEY.
AND A FOLDING CHAIR
WEIGHING 3.5 POUNDS.
[screaming]
GOD! GET IT OFF! I QUIT! I QUIT!
I QUIT! WAIT.
OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
[sighing]
OK, THAT'S FINE.
YEAH, I GUESS IT'S ALL A MATTER
OF JUST DISTRIBUTING THE WEIGHT PROPERLY.
THIS... THIS IS GONNA BE A CINCH.
(Sharon) OH, BOYS.
A REFRIGERATOR?
NOT JUST A REFRIGERATOR.
OH, MY DEAR, SWEET GOD.
[creaking]
[Chris moaning]
(Larry) DR. KRAMER, I DON'T THINK CHRIS LOOKS TOO GOOD.
HE LOOKS OK TO ME.
[birds chirping]
I JUST WOULDN'T GIVE HIM ANYMORE TOMATO JUICE.
AH, LARRY, IT'S VERY ACIDIC.
WIPE MY MOUTH OFF, WILL YOU? I'M DRIBBLING.
I DO WANT TO WARN YOU BOYS AGAIN THOUGH.
OH, GOD!
THIS IS A VERY FOOLISH VENTURE
AND I CAN'T CONDONE ANY PART OF IT.
THE NEXT ITEM THAT GOES ON THIS PILE MIGHT VERY WELL KILL HIM.
SO ARE YOU SAYING WE SHOULD JUST GIVE UP?
HMM. THAT'S A HARD CALL.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO QUIT AFTER YOU'VE COME SO FAR.
QUIT? NOBODY'S QUITTING.
I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL I SAVE THIS PLAYGROUND.
[crowd applauding]
(man) YEAH. THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL VERY, VERY MUCH.
CHRIS, THAT'S NOT FOR YOU.
THEY'RE APPLAUDING BEN SPANGLER.
HE'S COMING IN WITH A HUGE TRACTOR TIRE.
[crowd cheering]
[sighing]
YEAH.
[Chris groaning]
AND SO I PROUDLY PLACE
THIS 373 POUND TRACTOR TIRE
ON TOP OF THE PILE OF DEATH.
LARRY, DID WE CHANGE THE NAME OF THIS EVENT?
UH, I THINK THAT'S WHAT THE TOWNSPEOPLE HAVE AFFECTIONATELY DUBBED IT.
(crowd) PILE IT ON! PILE IT ON! PILE IT ON! PILE IT ON!
CHRIS, LISTEN TO THAT. THAT'S ALL FOR YOU, BUDDY.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL TO HAVE THIS TOWN BEHIND YOU, SUPPORTING YOU ALL THE WAY?
SQUASH HIM!
(Chris) OH!
[groaning]
[crowd applauding]
LARRY.
LARRY, MY... MY WORSE FEAR HAS BEEN REALIZED,
MY KNEE ITCHES.
WELL, SCRATCH IT.
I CAN'T REACH IT.
DR. KRAMER, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
WELL, I COULD GO IN THERE WITH A COAT HANGER
AND TRY TO SCRATCH IT FOR HIM.
BUT IT MIGHT KILL HIM.
LARRY, I'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE.
THERE'S A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND AT STAKE HERE.
GO AHEAD, SIGN THE PAPERS.
OH! OH! OH!
OH, YOU GOT IT!
[crowd applauding] OH, THAT'S IT! RIGHT THERE!
OH, THAT FEELS SO MUCH BETTER.
YOU DID IT, DOC. YOU DID IT.
WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS, YET.
I STILL HAVE TO GET THE HANGER OUT.
[screaming]
OH, SORRY, FALSE ALARM.
I'M OK.
[crowd exclaiming]
PUSH IT UP, UP, UP. PUSH IT, PUSH IT.
A LITTLE HARDER, A LITTLE HARDER
(Pipp) PETERSON.
IS THERE A CHRIS PETERSON HERE?
HERE. DOWN HERE. HEY.
AH.
MY NAME IS HAROLD PIPP.
REPRESENTATIVE OF THE BIG BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.
[clearing throat]
WE WERE NOTIFIED THAT YOU WERE EMBARKING
ON SOME SORT OF SILLY FRIPPYDAM
IN AN ATTEMPT TO GAIN ENTRY INTO OUR PUBLICATION.
UH, YES, SIR, AND TO RAISE MONEY TO SAVE OUR CHILDHOOD PLAYGROUND.
[clears throat] YES, WELL...
WHAT SORT OF RECORD WERE YOU GOING FOR, LADDIE?
WELL, I'M TRYING TO BREAK THE WORLD'S RECORD
FOR HAVING STUFF STACKED ON TOP OF ME.
[laughs]
WE HAVE NO SUCH RECORD IN OUR BOOK.
WELL, YOU SURE DO.
THERE'S A PICTURE RIGHT HERE ON PAGE 93.
OH, I DON'T NEED TO SEE THE BOOK, LADDIE,
I KNOW IT BY HEART.
AND PAGE 93
RECOUNTS A DREADFUL INCIDENT
WHICH YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY MISREAD.
IN 19 HUNDRED AND 43,
A GENTLEMEN BY THE NAME OF MALCOM KENT
ATTEMPTED TO BREAK THE WORLD'S RECORD
FOR PILE STACKING.
(Pipp) TRAGICALLY,
AS MALCOLM WAS HOISTING A COAL FURNACE ON TOP,
(Pipp) THE PILE COLLAPSED,
AND MR. KENT WAS TRAPPED
UNDERNEATH THIS 2000 POUNDS
FORCING HIS INTERNAL ORGANS
OUT THROUGH HIS CAKE HOLE LIKE SO MUCH TOOTH POLISH
AND SENDING HIM OFF TO MEET HIS MAKER.
YOU SEE, BOYS, WHAT YOU HAVE THERE
IS A PICTURE OF THE CARNAGE AFTERWARDS,
NOT THE ACTUAL EVENT.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YOU DON'T SERIOUSLY THINK
WE WOULD CONDONE SUCH INANE PIPOPERY AS THIS, DO YOU?
WHY, A LAD COULD GET KILLED.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM.
GUESS IF YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE THE BEATLES NOWADAYS,
NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU.
YES, WELL, I'M OFF TO FIND A NICE PUB.
A POT OF TEA, JAM TART, AND, UH,
FIDDYPOPS.
GEE, CHRIS,
YOU REALLY BLEW THIS WORLD RECORD THING, HUH?
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
BUT THE MORE IMPORTANT THING IS
I'M GONNA SAVE THIS PLAYGROUND FOR YOU LITTLE TYKES.
PLAYGROUND? WHO NEEDS A PLAYGROUND?
WE JUST SIT AT HOME, DRINK DR. PEPPER, AND WATCH MTV.
BOYS, WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH MY THOUGHTS FOR A WHILE, PLEASE?
LARRY,
LET'S JUST COUNT UP THE CASH AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
[all exclaiming] NO! NO!
SORRY FOLKS. I DID MY BEST.
UH, CHRIS, I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
WE'RE A LITTLE SHORT OF THE $3600 THAT WE NEEDED.
WELL, HOW SHORT?
WELL, ACTUALLY, UH, WE ONLY HAVE $192 DOLLARS.
WELL, LARRY, DID YOU COUNT IT RIGHT?
I COULD COUNT IT AGAIN.
BUT I DON'T THINK I MISSED $3000.
LARRY, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
WHAT KIND OF AN ACCOUNTANT ARE YOU?
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE CHARGED A DOLLAR A POUND
INSTEAD OF A DOLLAR AN ITEM.
WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT THE TWO OF YOU
COULD HAVE SCREWED UP SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I AM SHOCKED.
CHRIS, RELAX.
I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO THE TOWNSPEOPLE.
THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS. THEY'LL UNDERSTAND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S BEEN A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING.
WE MEANT TO CHARGE BY THE POUND INSTEAD OF BY THE ITEM.
FOR INSTANCE, UH, BEN SPANGLER, YOU OWE, UH,
$372 MORE.
GO TO HELL.
NO WAY! TAKE A HIKE, PAL.
(girl ?1) KILL HIM! (girl ?2) HE'S A WITCH.
LARRY, I FAILED. I FAILED.
OH, I FAILED.
[sighs]
NOW, HOLD ON. I HEARD THAT.
LET'S YOU AND I HAVE A LITTLE HEART TO HEART, YOUNG MAN.
I HOPE I DIDN'T SCREW UP YOUR LITTLE DEATH PILE HERE.
OH, WHO CARES.
THAT'S NO KIND OF ATTITUDE TO HAVE.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KNOW YOU TRIED TO SAVE THE PLAYGROUND,
BUT YOU DIDN'T. SO WHAT?
AND YOU SCREWED UP THAT WORLD'S RECORD DEAL.
SO WHAT?
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU TRIED.
YOU GAVE IT YOUR ALL.
NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WOULD DO THAT ANYMORE.
IT'S SOMETHIN' TO BE PROUD OF.
I'M PROUD OF YOU AND I LOVE YOU, SON.
[chuckles]
THANKS, DAD. GOSH, I FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW.
I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT.
NOW, DO YOU HAVE THOSE JACK JONES TICKETS?
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT CONCERT ALL WEEK.
[laughing] YEAH, I DO.
BUT THE FUNNY THING IS
THEY'RE IN MY PANTS POCKET,
AND THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GET TO THEM.
[Chris laughing]
YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
[car honking] HEY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
IT'S JACK JONES.
OH, HOLD ME, FRED, I MIGHT FAINT.
(Jack) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?
I'VE BEEN STUCK IN TRAFFIC FOR 20 MINUTES.
WHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING DOWN HERE AT THE TOWN DUMP?
WELL, SIR, WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE OUR LOCAL PLAYGROUND
FROM THE WRECKING BALL.
GEE, MR. JONES, ARE YOU HERE
BECAUSE YOU SUPPORT THIS PLAYGROUND?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT AGAINST THE PLAYGROUND, ARE YOU?
WHY WOULD I BE AGAINST A PLAYGROUND?
OH, THIS SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A BONAFIDE ENDORSEMENT
BY A MAJOR ENTERTAINER.
HERE'S ALL THE MONEY I GOT.
[crowd chattering]
MR. JONES, YOU KNOW HOW YOU COULD REALLY HELP US?
IF YOU'D SING A SONG.
THEN WILL YOU MOVE THOSE DAMN CARS? SURE.
LET ME HAVE MY CHARITY EVENT MICROPHONE.
[crowd applauding]
¶ CALL ME IRRESPONSIBLE
¶ CALL ME UNRELIABLE
¶ THROW IN UNDEPENDABLE TOO
¶ DO MY FOOLISH ALIBIS BORE YOU? ¶
¶ WELL, I'M NOT TOO CLEVER
¶ I JUST ADORE YOU
¶ CALL ME UNPREDICTABLE
¶ TELL ME I'M IMPRACTICAL
[groaning] ¶ RAINBOWS I'M INCLINED TO PURSUE ¶
¶ CALL ME IRRESPONSIBLE
¶ YES, I'M UNRELIABLE
¶ BUT IT'S UNDENIABLY TRUE
¶[scatting]
¶ I'M IRRESPONSIBLY MAD
¶ FOR YOU
[crowd whistling]
[crowd cheering]
[Chris groans]
(Larry) CHRIS, WE DID IT!
WE HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO SAVE THE PARK.
[groaning]
(Pipp) JUST A MOMENT.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
OH, GREAT.
NOW WE GOT THE MAN FROM THE AVENGERS.
IT SEEMS
THAT A WORLD'S RECORD HAS BEEN SET AFTER ALL.
[crowd applauding]
OH, GREAT.
YOU MEAN I DID IT?
WELL, NOT EXACTLY. NO.
THE RECORD GOES TO MR. JACK JONES.
THE ONLY SINGER
EVER TO PERFORM ATOP A PILE OF RUBBISH
STACKED ATOP A RATHER SILLY MAN.
I-I-IT'S A BIT QUIRKY,
AND PERHAPS I'VE HAD A FEW TOO MANY RUM TOOTIES,
BUT AT THIS LATE HOUR IT WILL HAVE TO DO.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. JONES.
THANK YOU ALL.
[crowd chattering]
HEY, MOM, DAD, WHERE'S EVERYONE GOIN'?
[sighing]
HEY.
[creaking]
TREASURE ISLAND.
[creaking]
OH, DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, NO!
[rumbling] NO!
(Chris) AH, I'M REALLY GETTIN' TOO OLD FOR THIS KINDA CRAP.